Dear ACB
Let me be among the first on the left to welcome you to the Supreme Court! We hope you’ll stay a while. That shouldn’t be a problem since your good health and age were a key part of the job description.
You got quite the welcome wagon. How nice! You’re probably still basking in well wishes from the party who sacrificed so much of their time to hire you when they could have been rescuing America from pandemic hell. You couldn’t have asked for a nicer group of people to have in your corner. They’re just so elated you’re here. (Most of the country isn’t, but don’t let that get you down.)
I hope you’re feeling proud of yourself for this accomplishment. It was a tough field with many other lackluster candidates, but you did it. Hooray! Just like our president, your lack of experience was a feature, not a bug. Plus you’ll have a good mentor in Justice Clarence Thomas. His qualifications were just as flimsy as yours but that didn’t stop him from handing down some pretty terrible opinions. I’m sure you’ll follow nicely in his footsteps. Also? He can be the “black friend” you refer to when making those tough decisions that disproportionately affect the African American community.
Speaking of accomplishments … it hasn’t even been 24 hours since your confirmation and you’ve already broken a record! Well done. Not a single Democratic senator voted for you, which hasn’t happened since 1869. What a way to slide into homebase.
I must say, it’s refreshing that we hardly know anything about you. If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that we sure love surprises. It’s probably not the case given the high integrity of our Senate, but it feels a bit like your record was purposely hidden from us to mask how truly awful you are (and to avoid a repeat of the Kavanaugh trainwreck, though I’m sure you would have handled it like a proper Christian lady).
But that does put you in a pickle, doesn’t it? You were hired precisely for your likelihood of avoiding surprises. And that’s why you received such clear marching orders — to do the dirty work of the conservative minority. I hope you get around to reconciling that tension before your bosses get mad.
I’m sure that as smart and capable as you are, you’ll figure it out in due time. After all, in exchange for your loyalty you got something pretty spectacular — a lifetime appointment to what is now a proxy for both our executive and legislative branches. That means you’ll probably end up picking our next president! Holy cow. I bet you never dreamed of that in your many, many years behind the hallowed walls of academia. For someone who’s never tried a case before, that’s a pretty good one to test drive this whole judge thing!
It’s also exciting to think about what a great role model you’ll be for so many. I’m sure there are mediocre employees far and wide who worry about never making it to the top. Not to mention all the little girls out there who dream of a day when they too can get a job betraying women every which way. Kudos for being a trailblazer on both fronts.
Just between us though, you have to admit it’s a shitty way to get a job, no? I mean, most of Joe Biden’s appeal is that he’s the anti-Trump. And in your case, your value has nothing to do with your brain, and everything to do with your ability to be a strawman for the anti-choice, anti-healthcare, anti-dignity crowd (I almost said “straw-woman” but you’re not one of those angry feminists so I didn’t want to offend you). At least Joe probably feels uneasy about being in that position. Luckily, your fans have never felt bad about being anti-anything, so neither should you.
Anyway, I’ll keep this letter short and sweet since I know you have a busy docket already — abortion, healthcare, education, etc. Just pace yourself. You’ve got 30+ years ahead of you to keep dismantling this country so make sure to save some of that goodness for later.
Thoughts and prayers,
G